The new “Heads Up” policy at Riverdale has certainly taken the school by storm, but most students (including myself) have begun to enjoy the time away from our devices and the many conversations that now occur across campus, especially in the cafeteria.

However, last Thursday a variety of emails appeared in my inbox: anonymous tips from an eclectic group of bird watchers, ornithologists, and, yes, conspiracy enthusiasts bolstering the ‘Birds Aren’t Real’ theory with a variety of evidence. All emails had the same goal: to alert me about the strange sightings of young falcons glued to cell phones—occurring at Riverdale’s very own cafeteria.

The birds occupy a rather strange status at the school—having neither the seniority of faculty and administrators nor the human capacity to understand the “Heads Up Policy.” The regulatory status of these falcons is much debated. The NYC Bird Aliance has been contacted, and we expect a full species report by the end of the year.

Without further ado, below is a curated presentation of the evidence I received, along with some brief explanatory commentary from yours truly. 

Disclaimer: No pictures were taken during the school day (8:25 am-3:30 pm).

EXHIBIT 1:

This young kestrel seems to be inviting danger, hawking for a fellow match on wingman.com

EXHIBIT 2:

As you can see, this group of “Lads” doesnít even bother obscuring their fowl habit, choosing instead to hide in plain sight.

EXHIBIT 3:

These young falcons look ready to fight, but what we’re seeing here is merely a standard (but now prohibited) mating ritual between two young chicks, bonding over their shared love of memes. The technique here is advanced, as the falcons know to keep their “Heads Up” during the surreptitious act.